Listening to the new She & Him album and I’ve decided to do a recap of swim season considering I know I’m done.
So it might not have been technically my fastest season, but it was a decent season nevertheless. I met some new friends (Megan, Alice, Kammy, Manny) which is always something I love about swim season. And in a great way, swim season allowed me to reconnect with some friends like Tyra. During the other parts of the school year, we barely see each other and swim season is a nice time to hang out and talk and share our interests whether it’s in music or books.
Swimming wise, my best 100 Breastroke time was a 1:17.01 which ehh was okay. Compared to my freshman year of 1:14…75(?), it was alright. I know I tried my best. At League finals, I dropped from my seeded 5th place from Prelims to 7th place. I’m not as disappointed because I DID drop time. I know I placed last year at finals too, but I can’t seem to find that ribbon to see the place. But whatever.
And then I found out today that I didn’t make CIFs again, and to be honest, I was kind of relieved. I’m kind of over swim season, but I know I’m gonna go back to being lazy and unfit. It’s kind of depressing actually. I liked that feeling after practice where you’re kind of exhausted but you still feel good and pumped. I need that feeling more often. New Summer goal?
I think one of my generic life goals is to be part of something great and something that I’ll be proud of. More specifically I was thinking more like being in a music group or orchestra or something like that. Performing together and practicing together to make this wonderful product of music.
I kind of miss performing with people right now.
This is gonna sound weird, but do you know what I really want right now?
A power outage.
I look back on that one time and although I was stressed about getting homework done by candlelight even though we ended up not even having school, it was peaceful.
No distractions. No stressing out about computer problems. Spending time with the family. Sleeping early. Doing things without all the luxuries we often overlook.
I want that peace right now. Right now in the middle of this chaos.
In ceramics today, Natalie and I were showing Nithya our Tumblrs. She didn’t really know much about it, and I guess we were coaxing her to get one of her own. She got onto mine, and accidentally pressed the link to get to this blog.
I kind of panicked when I saw her on it and I quickly said, “Oh, that’s not my blog, ju-just go back. This is my other blog, you want to see my main one right? Yea…”
What was I afraid of?
Natalie and Nithya’s judgement in reading these entries? Some are incredibly personal, yet I put them up here open to anyone to read. But having some people I know read it just made me uncomfortable. I suppose it’s easier for strangers to read your stuff and have no connection to them than when it’s people who are connected to these things in my life.
But on the other hand, I’m curious to what people think of me when they read these entries. Is it a different, more serious insight to my thoughts? Do you see me as a different person from that point on? Or am I the same person that you see day to day, with just this other part?
I’m awfully curious, so don’t be afraid to give me some of your thoughts on that.
I get so angry sometimes. About a lot of things but mostly at myself for procrastinating and wasting my time. I could have accomplished so much by now, but I waited and I’ve not been focused this entire afternoon. It’s already 8 and I’ve gotten about 1 and 1/2 problems of math done.
Instead of finishing all this homework, I’ve been watching YouTube videos and Tumblring so much. I’m so frustrated with my lack of productivity!
This could be a long night.
I’m reading a Mark Twain article and I had a little epiphany. Or really I just finally understood what Twain was writing about.
Twain talks about being in the “swim” or the majority. People do things because other people do them. Why? In order to not be judged or outcasted. It takes so much more self-confidence and strength to be an out cast or different because you have to be able to handle the consequence—the inevitable opinions and judgment of other people.
In our society, we outcast those who are different, when instead we should be praising them for their strength in firmly believing in their ideals. That makes us weak.
It all seems so messed up.
Is it bad that I’m thinking about driving right now and it’s scaring the bejeezus out of me? It stresses me out
like most things do and it’s constantly on my mind. There’s some things to think and worry about while driving, including I dunno…STAYING ALIVE.
And now I have to do it with my parents who freak out even more than I do. And then don’t have a break on their side in case I subconsciously decide to crash into the car besides me.
Driving is definitely not as fun as I imagined.
I’m alive barely. I don’t know why Masami said it would be fun because it definitely wasn’t. It was terrifying. ADLSKJGALSJGLKAJ
Going for my first behind the wheel class. If I don’t come back, you’ll know what happened to me.
When I was younger, I dreamed of being a writer. I would take creative writing classes and constantly dream of stories in my little notebook. It all seemed so possible and real. As I got older, I abandoned my dream of being an author. Why? Maybe because I was never satisfied with what I wrote. Like I was never happy with it or it never sounded good enough. Call it lack of faith.
But what was I looking for? What makes a good writer?
Is it the use of adjectives—luring readers in and changing the meaning of any situation?
Or is it the plot itself—impacting the readers and making their minds whirl at such a situation?
Maybe it’s the genuineness itself—how real it could seem to the reader, regardless if it was science fiction or fantasy…
To me, it’s the combination of the three together. They all try to affect the reader, with emotions. Writing is meant to affect the reader—the author wants to share their feelings about a topic to their audience.
And maybe that’s why I gave up my dream of writing. Because I could never express myself through these words as I could in my mind. In fact, these posts are often thought up of in the shower, (excellent place to think if I do say so myself) in my mind. But when I type them up here, they never sound as great as they do in their place of origin.
I assume it’s because the human mind is so complex and immense that what we try to share from it easily becomes muddled by our inability to express it as clearly.
So those brilliant writers we know must have the talent we all crave for—the ability to express ourselves better. Oh how I envy them.
But I’m done rambling now. I know that I don’t have that skill of clarity, and that I must have confused you even further. But to be honest, these are those moments when that dream of becoming a writer comes back to me, and I’m inspired to continue trying.
So I’ll keep on writing.